Concert schmoncert. There are far more important things afoot!

Fine though the music we’re currently singing is, and much as the concert on March 30th means to us, I’m afraid it all pales into insignificance next to the far more important issue currently occupying Orianan minds: who will be the next choir chair?

After many years of sterling service to the cause of keeping the London Oriana Choir in good voice and solid drinking opportunities, our esteemed co-chairs Fiona and Simon have decided to take their final bow and retire to the back row of the chorus. Welcome back to the ranks of giggling, note-passing, pencil-forgetting sinners, Fiona and Simon! But someone needs to take on the mantle of keeping us all in check and sorting out concerts for us, and a couple of weeks ago our outgoing chairs gave an impassioned, twenty minute long joint plea for someone else to stand forward and take the reins. A ringing silence filled the room at the end, and some tumbleweed rolled past. It wasn’t looking good.

However, those in the know say that at least two possible teams of candidates have now thrown their hats in the ring, so it looks like Oriana will indeed continue and we might actually have enough interest in the position to run a vote! I simply can’t imagine it. Will we have hustings? Policy documents? Will it be a secret vote or public? Will it be decided by a sing-off? Can we vote them off one-by-one? I can’t wait!

To help anyone who may still be wavering about whether to put themselves forward, I thought it might be useful to take a look at the good old interweb and see if I could find some tips about what might be required. The entire interweb seems mysteriously silent about how to run a choir. But leadership qualities are probably the same no matter what the task – right? Working on this basis, Greenstein, Rogoff, Olsen and Co (my go-to source in such matters) mention the following qualities that make a good leader.

“A good leader has an exemplary character.” Ah, well that cuts out the entire choir already, shady bunch that we are. So maybe we’ll just overlook that one and move on to number 2.

“A good leader is enthusiastic about their work or cause.” I think most of us could fulfil that 95% of the time – just don’t make me sing any John Gardiner or songs about rainbows and I’m there.

A good leader is able to think analytically.” Hmm, but what exactly does this statement MEAN? Let’s break it down into parts…

“Good leaders are tolerant of ambiguity” – Ambiguity? I’m afraid I don’t know his music, but I’m sure I can tolerate it if necessary.

“A good leader is confident.” I, ladies and gentlemen, assert with confidence that I would be a GREAT choir chair.

Well look at that – I’m the obvious choice. I’m now officially declaring myself as a candidate. As it happens I am also running for American President, but that’s okay, I can do both. In fact, to save on time I think I’ll just use the same manifesto – it’ll probably fit perfectly with the odd tweak here and there. So here are my election pledges:

• Free healthcare and sheet music for everyone with an income lower than mine. (Before you get excited about this, bear in mind I work in the charity sector)
• A fixed, 20 minute long tea break in the middle of every rehearsal - and a harbour shall be provided for people to pour the dregs into.
• By the end of the year we will have invaded Iran and forced them to adopt a new democratic system. I mean, diatonic system.
• Extended drinking hours in all pubs, so that we always have time to get squiffy after a concert no matter how many encores David-the-Conductor makes us do.
• And finally, the opportunity to vote on every piece of music selected for a concert. “No harmonisation without representation.”

There you are. Clearly the perfect candidate. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just off to pitch myself for England manager.